Is it normal to hate your spouse, even in brief moments?
Marriage is hard. On your wedding day, you "know" it will be hard, and people tell you it will be hard, but you don't really fully understand. Not until you're years deep and navigating a joint life with another human being who has their own wants, desires, emotions, thoughts, and opinions.
Some people believe it's so hard because human beings aren't biologically wired for monogamy. Others believe we just don't do a good enough job of preparing ourselves for the more difficult aspects of lifelong partnership, leading to the notoriously high divorce rate.
A renowned couple's therapist named Terrence Real has been grabbing headlines with his somewhat controversial idea that could help save many relationships. He calls it "normal marital hatred."
Once the wedding day has come and gone, things get real.
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
Real was recently on the Tim Ferris Podcast, where he elaborated on what he believes is a critically under-discussed aspect of relationships:.
“The essential rhythm of all relationships is harmony, disharmony, and repair," he says. "Closeness, disruption, and a return to closeness. That's where the skills come in, how to move from disruption to repair. Our culture doesn't teach it."
Real says every couple will have moments, days, or even longer stretches of dissatisfaction, and that those feelings can be much more powerful than you might think.
“So, here's what I wanna say about disharmony: It hurts, it's dark. You can really, really feel like, 'What the hell did I get myself into? This is such a disappointment.’ And guess what? Your partner's probably feeling that about you too.”
His concept of normal marital hatred is fascinating. It takes a shocking idea, that you could "hate" your partner, and puts it right there next to the word "normal." Internalizing the idea might seem pretty bleak to young people getting ready to settle down, but Real doesn't want people to panic or bail rather than sticking it out. Again, he says it's completely normal.
“I talk about normal marital hatred when you're in that dark phase. You hate your partner, that's okay. It's part of the deal for many of it. I've been going around the world talking about normal marital hatred for, oh my god, what? 30 years. ... It's okay, kids — don't sweat it. You can get through it. It's normal. Relax.”
Watch the whole clip here:
@timferriss Therapist Terry Real on Normal Marital Hatred. (From my brand-new interview with Terry.) #couples #therapy
Commenters were, for the most part, in strong agreement with Real's blunt assessment.
"Hatred disappears when a person able to hold 2 truths simultaneously: I love you, I don’t like you now. Dialectical thinking"
"When people stop romanticizing relationships and realize you're relating to another autonomous human being, it's easier to understand, relate, love and also forgive."
"This is such an important topic that it's not talked about enough. Marriage is not some fairytale can't run away when you hate your partner because in a week you'll probably love them again."
"Hatred is a pretty strong word but I appreciate the concept behind the theory. My theory is space and grace. Grant each other a little space to cool down but the grace to come back and repair."
Others wondered if the term 'hatred' was really accurate, or maybe just a gimmick to make the concept more controversial and marketable:
"To me, hatred is too strong a word. I don’t hate my spouse. I often times do not like him, but I always love him. 33 years of a solid, loving marriage."
"Hatred is a brutal way to put it. Wrong word."
"I have NEVER hated my late husband of 16 years or my partner of 4 years! I have been utterly pissed at both hurt by them unclear if I can make it another day through xyz but not hate never hate"
It all begs the question: What are feelings of hatred, really?
It's normal to be upset at or even dislike your partner sometimes. Is it really normal to hate them?
Photo by Mattia on Unsplash
Not to be that guy, but Merriam-Webster defines hatred as: "Extreme dislike or disgust...ill will or resentment ... prejudiced hostility or animosity"
That sounds like a dangerous combination of feelings to feel toward your partner! Dislike or disgust? Maybe, in brief doses. But many experts say that resentment and animosity are very close cousins of the infamous Four Horsemen, or communication styles that can be predictive of divorce. The Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute found that when these patterns show up regularly, even in just a single conversation, it often spells doom for the couple.
However, Real emphasizes that these negative feelings we might get toward our partner (the so-called hatred) are usually temporary, even appearing for just a brief moment or two.
Regardless of the terminology, Real is right about one thing: Normal, healthy marriages will have conflict and moments where partners don't like each other very much. Navigating them successfully is key.
Luckily, he has advice for that, too.
“In normal circumstances, if you’re unhappy with me, that is not the time for me to talk to you about how unhappy I am with you,” he said. “Everybody gets that wrong.”
In other words, these moments of dislike/hatred/disagreement/or whatever you want it call it should be opportunities for partners to listen to each other and not escalate the conflict into a power struggle. They are opportunities for better communication and for partners to better learn how to meet each other's needs.
Feeling that hatred is not the problem. Feeding it and allowing it to grow is what makes it really dangerous.
Nailed it. 
Watch out, she knows karate!
Mom hugging crying daughter
Dad kissing child on cheek
Mom comforting daughter
Lucille Ball was a massive star, but perhaps best known for the show 'I Love Lucy'By CBS Television - Public Domain
Do you think its better to have a 'living room family' or a 'bedroom family'?
Where you spend time says a lot about your family.
A family having fun together in the living room.
TikTok user alexxx1915 recently posted a short video with the caption: "I just learned the term 'living room family' and I never understood why my kids never played in their rooms when I always did as a kid." She briefly shows her kids hanging out in the living room with their pet dog and some toys scattered around the floor, before panning to her own face and giving a sort of sentimental look. The simple, ten-second clip struck a huge nerve with parents, racking up over 25 million views and thousands of heartfelt comments.
What are "living room families" and "bedroom families"?
This idea has been going around for a while on social media.
Simply put, a living room family is a family that congregates in the living room, or any common space in the household. Kids play in the same space where the adults relax — and things are often messy, as a result. Everyone interacts with each other and spends lots of time together. Bedrooms are reserved mostly for sleeping and dressing.
A bedroom family, on the other hand, is where the kids spend more time in their rooms. They play there, watch TV, and maybe even eat meals. Typically, the main rooms of the house are kept neat and tidy — you won't find a lot of toys scattered about — and family time spent together is more structured and planned ahead rather than casual.
"Living room families" has become the latest aspirational term on TikTok. Everyone wants to be a living room family!
The implication of being a bedroom family, or having 'room kids', is that perhaps they don't feel safe or comfortable or even allowed to take up room in the rest of the house, or to be around the adults. "I remember my brother coming round once and he just sat in silence while watching my kids play in the living room. After a while he looked at me and said 'It's so nice that your kids want to be around you'" one commenter said on alexxx1915's video.
"I thought my kids hated their rooms 🥺 turns out they like me more" said another. "You broke a generational curse. Good job mama!" said yet another.
There's so much that's great about having a family that lives out in the open — especially if you were raised feeling like you had to hide in your room.
In my household, we're definitely a living room family. We're around each other constantly, and the house is often a mess because of it. Learning about this term makes me feel a little better that my kids want to be around us and feel comfortable enough to get their 'play mess' all over the living room.
The mess is a sign of the love and comfort we all share together.
But the big twist is that it's also perfectly fine if your kids — and you! — like a little more solitary time.
Being a 'bedroom family' is actually perfectly OK.
There's a similar discourse that took place last year about living room parents vs bedroom parents. The general consensus seemed to be that it was better to be a living room parent, who relaxed out in the open versus taking alone time behind closed doors.
But it really doesn't have to be one or the other, and neither is necessarily better. Making your kids feel relegated to their room is, obviously, not great. It's not a good thing if they feel like they're not allowed to exist in and play in the rest of the house. But if they just like hanging out in their room? Nothing wrong with that at all! And same goes for parents.
Alone time is important for parents and kids alike, and everyone needs different amounts of it to thrive. Kids with certain special needs, like being on the autism spectrum, may be absolutely thrilled to spend lots of time in their rooms, for example.
In 2023, there was a similar debate on TikTok where parents sounded off on whether they were bedroom parents or living room parents. In this situation, the parents spent the majority of the time in their bedroom, while the kids were in the living room, or they spend time in the living room with their kids. According to Marissa Kile, the video's creator, this made the parents' bedroom feel like a "scared space" where the kids didn't feel comfortable.
This article originally appeared last year.