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Health

A compelling theory on why social media promises fun but ultimately leaves us bored and listless

max patrick schlienger, the ennui emgine, social media addiction
via Pexels

A young girl deeply engaged in a doom scroll.

The advent of social media and smartphones has nearly eradicated the idea of the empty moment. We no longer have to sit with our thoughts when waiting in line at the supermarket. There’s no need to strike up a conversation with someone at the bus stop to pass the time.

One doesn’t even need to remember to grab a book before getting on a flight.

Social media makes the promise that it’s possible for us to be entertained and engaged during every waking moment. Writer Max Patrick Schlienger (@RamsesThePigeon on Twitter) challenges that idea by making a convincing argument that our habitual scrolling actually leaves us bored and listless.

Schlienger made his case in a Medium article entitled, “The Cargo Cult of the Ennui Engine.”

Schlienger says this trouble started once online content creators realized that the bar was set pretty low on the internet and they could get a lot of attention with minimal effort by creating low-quality content.

“Content creators took note of this trend, and while many of them resisted it, many more adjusted accordingly. After all, why should they expend a lot of effort on something when lazy offerings were seeing more success?” he wrote.

“Before long, accuracy, quality, and correctness became optional requirements, and online audiences learned to expect mostly low-effort content instead of refined assemblages,” he added.

While watching videos of a guy eating it on a skateboard on Instagram or someone explaining psychological disorders in 17 seconds on TikTok aren’t bad in and of themselves, low-effort content is quick and simple and demands little of us so we consume it passively. It’s a lot different than reading a book where we co-create meaning with the author or watching a film that asks us to make sense of complicated characters and plot developments.

Further, our constant diet of low-effort content also leads to more of it being produced.

“When we amplify these things—using our likes, upvotes, retweets and shares—we encourage the creation of more low-effort content, and in so doing, we send the message that higher quality offerings are unwelcome and unwanted,” Schlienger wrote.

“After all, if we enjoy the low-effort content, why shouldn’t we ask for more of it? Why shouldn’t we encourage it?” he wrote. “Therein lies the real problem, however: We don’t enjoy the low-effort content … at least not as much as we’ve tricked ourselves into thinking that we do.”

So how are we fooling ourselves?

“Every second that we spend scrolling represents a tiny investment of emotional energy, the well of which is slowly drained as moments pass. To return to a previous metaphor, we start off hoping for a jackpot, then grow increasingly desperate to just break even,” he wrote.

“Unfortunately, since we’ve already demanded that we be served only low-effort content—and since that same jackpot is being buried—we’re doomed to lose every time. We point to tiny blips above a baseline of boredom as evidence that we’re still enjoying ourselves, and we deny that our banks are being depleted,” he adds.

Upworthy spoke with Schlienger and he compared habitual scrolling to an addiction.

“I think it's a great thing that we've been entering into an era where mental health is much more at the forefront of our attention. Folks are much more open about their internal struggles. And yet in spite of that, we're going around chain smoking and encouraging others to do the same,” he told Upworthy. “When you start scrolling, when you start looking at this low effort content, it's hard to stop. And, just like a smoker, you tend to snarl at anybody that says, hey, that’s bad for you.”

Schlienger believes that this addiction to low-effort content is rarely challenged because everyone has a phone. “I can sit and scroll through TikTok, and maybe that's bad for me, sure. But you know what? Nobody can criticize me for that because I'm using a phone just like they are,” he said.

In addition to consuming a lot of our time, Schlienger says it also throttles our motivation. In “The Cargo Cult of the Ennui Engine” he makes the case that every time we pick up the phone and go hunting for something engaging, we are burning emotional energy on an activity that will rarely replenish what it has diminished.

“It's like consuming junk food where you're not actually getting any nourishment, but it's still filling you up. It's getting rid of your hunger, although in this case, the hunger is sort of inverted and it's motivation. It's draining your motivation,” he said.

Schlienger’s theories are backed up by recent studies on social media and boredom. Researchers from the Netherlands' Radboud University recently found that “phone usage wasn't an effective method to alleviate boredom and fatigue and even made these feelings worse in many cases.”

Schlienger’s idea that passively consumed low-effort content distracts more than it alleviates boredom is echoed by psychologist Nancy Irwin. “Boredom is generally a quest for fulfillment from external sources. However, real fulfillment is an internal job,” she said.

The first step in overcoming the addiction to low-effort content and habitual scrolling is to understand its limits and to be conscious of our daily behaviors. Schlienger doesn’t believe we should immediately delete our social media apps, but to be more mindful of our use and careful about what we encourage.

“Instead, we should remain self-aware and discerning as we traverse the web, encouraging, applauding and insisting on effort and earnestness from anyone who intends to contribute (no matter how small or substantial their contributions might be),” he wrote in “The Cargo Cult of the Ennui Engine.”

“Amplify emotional investments,” he wrote, “not blips above the baseline.”

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Joy

Under or over? There actually is a 'right' way to hang a toilet paper roll.

The debate is settled, once and for all.

Elya/Wikimedia Commons

Should you hang the toilet paper roll over or under?

Humans have debated things large and small over the millennia, from democracy to breastfeeding in public to how often people ought to wash their sheets. But perhaps the most silly-yet-surprisingly heated household debate is the one in which we argue over which way to hang the toilet paper roll.

The "over or under" question has plagued marriages and casual acquaintances alike for over 100 years, with both sides convinced they have the soundest reasoning for putting their toilet paper loose end out or loose end under. Some people feel so strongly about right vs. wrong TP hanging that they will even flip the roll over when they go to the bathroom in the homes of strangers.

Contrary to popular belief, it's not merely an inconsequential preference. According to health experts and the man who invented the toilet paper roll, there is actually a "correct" way to hang toilet paper.

What is the correct way to hang a roll of toilet paper?

First, let's be clear about what we're even talking about here with a visual. In the image below, left is "over" and right is "under."

toilet paper, bathrooms, over or under, toilet roll, bathroom etiquetteToilet paper hung "over" (left) and "under" (right)Elya/Wikimedia Commons


So which one is the right way? According to health experts, "over" is the way to go.

"One key to maintaining a hygienic washroom is minimising contact between people and surfaces," Dr. Christian Moro, associate professor of health sciences and medicine at Bond University on Australia's Gold Coast, told Australian Broadcasting Corporation. "Depending on the type of roll holder, [hanging the toilet paper "over"] often lowers the chance that a user will touch the wall behind when fishing for paper, leaving germs behind on that surface which can be spread to the next user."

Picture it: Grabbing the end of the toilet paper when it's hung "over" means you only touch the part of the toilet paper you're going to use. When it's "under," you sometimes have to fish for it or scrape your fingers on the wall in order to grab the loose end. In addition to whatever might be on people's hands already, think about all the people who wipe twice, potentially transferring fresh fecal matter or other bacteria to the wall on the second pass, which then get picked up by other people who inadvertently touch that wall when trying to grab their TP.

Theoretically, we all should have become better hand washers during the pandemic, scrubbing with soap for the full 20 seconds it takes to remove bacteria. But I wouldn't be willing to bet on it.

toilet paper, empty toilet paper roll, batthroom, bathroom etiquette, over or underEmpty toilet paper roll.via Canva/Photos

And touching any surface in a bathroom is pretty nasty, according to a study from the University of Colorado. As Inc. reported: "Using a high-tech genetic sequencing tool, researchers identified 19 groups of bacteria on the doors, floors, faucet handles, soap dispensers, and toilets of 12 public restrooms in Colorado — six men’s restrooms and six women’s restrooms. Many of the bacteria strains identified could be transmitted by touching contaminated surfaces."

Bacteria means things like e.coli, which is a common source of food poisoning and one of the most common bacteria found on bathroom surfaces in the study. If you've ever had a bout of food poisoning, I'm sure you'll agree that a toilet paper roll hanging preference isn't worth risking it.

But sanitary health concerns aren't the only argument for the "over" camp. After all, the original patent for the toilet paper roll, issued in 1891, clearly shows the TP in the "over" position. Thank you for the clarity right from the get go, Mr. Wheeler.

toilet paper, bathrooms, over or under, toilet roll, bathroom etiquetteThe toilet paper roll was patented by Seth Wheeler in 1891.Public Domain


In Wheeler's patent, the perforated toilet paper hangs on a roll in the "over" position. In the words of the patent, the sheets of TP are “partially separated, having their points of attachment arranged in a novel manner, whereby each sheet will easily separate from the series as it is drawn from the roll, there being no litter occasioned, and any waste of paper is thereby prevented.”

Now, before the "under" folks come running with their pitchforks, there are some understandable exceptions to the "over" rule. Namely: cats and kids.

If you have a furry friend or a tiny toddler who likes to unroll the toilet paper roll, "over" makes it super fun for them, while "under" stops them in their tracks. For many people, cats and kids are the primary motivator of their TP hanging habits.

That doesn't change the fact that "over" is actually the "correct" way to hang toilet paper according to health science and the inventor's intention, of course, but "under" is certainly preferable to having a pile of TP on the floor.

Now go forth, do that with information as you will, and try to make peace with your over vs. under rivals.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Parenting

Parents on TikTok are embracing the 'Type C' parenting style and its 'messy' everyday life

Type C parents are a mashup of Type A and Type B parents.

Image via Canva

The Type C parenting style was coined by TikTokker Ashleigh Surratt.

There are two types of parents in the world: Type A and Type B. Type A parents can be defined as highly organized, structured, and punctual. While Type B parents tend to be more relaxed, spontaneous, and flexible, per ABC News. But a new parenting style has entered the chat: the Type C parent.

Type C parenting was coined by mom and TikToker Ashleigh Surratt (@ashleigh.surratt). She identifies Type C parents as those with the ability to maintain structure while fully embracing spontaneity and the messy realities of everyday life.

"I just figured that if Type A are the moms who have the labeled bins and the beautiful snacky packs and Type B are the moms that let their kids play in the splash pad in their clothes, and maybe forgot shoes and their car's a wreck...then maybe A + B = C?" she says in the video explaining how she came up with the term.

@ashleigh.surratt

so here’s the thing about the “type c mom”— she’s completely made up. I just figured a+b=c!? Although Google has various opinions on what being type c actually means, to me it’s a joke about being really type A about something’s and type B about others. It’s planners & piles of laundry. It’s color coding and cluttered counters. It’s me! And I’ve learned it’s you too 🩵 So if you’ve ever felt like a walking contradiction (like loving motherhood and loosing your mind) then welcome to the club. Literally. I started one— link is in bio 🫶🏻

She continued, "I was just sitting in my car one day and I was like, wow, I'm really Type A about some things and really Type B about other things and I kinda feel like I don't belong. I kinda feel like I'm this strange anomaly."

Turns out, she wasn't. The term resonated with moms everywhere who could relate to being a combination of both parenting types.

"I coined the term 'Type C' mom," Surratt went on to explain. "She's the one with the planners and the pile of laundry. She's the one with the organized shoe bucket but you can never find socks, whatever. She's the combination of really Type A in some things and really Type B in other things."

@ashleigh.surratt

when you’re not fully type A or fully type B #momcontent #millennailmom #momhumor #toddlermomsoftiktok

Surratt hopes to encourage other moms struggling with guilt to fully embrace the label. “You're not a bad mom. You’re not a mess. You’re not failing. You’re actually in really, really great company," she added. "I think a strength of ours is we’ve learned to hold what’s important and kind of let go of the things that don’t matter."

It can be a really healthy parenting style to adapt, according to marriage and family therapist Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC. Groskopf explained on ABC's Good Morning America, "You're choosing to loosen up in certain areas—maybe the house isn't spotless, maybe dinner's frozen—because you've realized that connection matters more than control," she said. "You still care. You're still showing up, just in a way that actually works for your real life."

@ashleigh.surratt

Replying to @Mary Moose Part 2 because apparently I’m not the only other type C mom out there 🫶🏻 #millennialmom #momhumor #momcontent #toddlermomsoftiktok

Surratt's Type C parenting videos have received a positive response from parents who can also identify as a mix of Type A and Type B parents.

"It may be made up, but I’ve never related more 😂 it’s called balance!" one commented.

"Ummmm no you didn’t make it up… you just helped us define it!!! NEVER FELT MORE SEEN! ✨♥️😂" added another.

"It’s hilarious and so accurate!! I laugh out loud at all of your videos. It’s literally me."

"Your type C mom videos are so relatable! I showed my partner and he loved them too, said I’m just like that ❤️😂 Thank you for helping other type C moms feel less alone!"

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Mental Health

Motivation expert explains how two simple words can free you from taking things personally

You don't need to take responsibility for everything and everyone.

via TEDx SF/Flickr and TEDx SF/Flickr

Mel Robbins making a TED Talk.

Towards the end of The Beatles’ illustrious but brief career, Paul McCartney wrote “Let it Be,” a song about finding peace by letting events take their natural course. It was a sentiment that seemed to mirror the feeling of resignation the band had with its imminent demise.

The bittersweet song has had an appeal that has lasted generations, and that may be because it reflects an essential psychological concept: the locus of control. “It’s about understanding where our influence ends and accepting that some things are beyond our control,” Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist, told The Huffington Post. “We can’t control others, so instead, we should focus on our own actions and responses.”

This idea of giving up control (or the illusion of it) when it does us no good was perfectly distilled into two words that everyone can understand: "Let Them." This is officially known as the “Let Them” theory. Podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer Mel Robbins explained this theory perfectly in a vial Instagram video posted in May 2023.

“I just heard about this thing called the ‘Let Them Theory,’ I freaking love this,” Robbins starts the video.

“If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them.” Robbins says in the clip. “So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.”

“If they’re not showing up how you want them to show up, do not try to force them to change; let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them – and then you get to choose what you do next,” she continued.

The phrase is a great one to keep in your mental health tool kit because it’s a reminder that, for the most part, we can’t control other people. And if we can, is it worth wasting the emotional energy? Especially when we can allow people to behave as they wish and then we can react to them however we choose?

@melrobbins

Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 💥 Listen now on the #melrobbinspodcast!! “The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins #letthemtheory #letgo #lettinggo #podcast #podcastepisode

How you respond to their behavior can significantly impact how they treat you in the future.

It’s also incredibly freeing to relieve yourself of the responsibility of changing people or feeling responsible for their actions. As the old Polish proverb goes, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

“Yes! It’s much like a concept propelled by the book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k.’ Save your energy and set your boundaries accordingly. It’s realizing that we only have “control” over ourselves and it’s so freeing,” one viewer wrote.

“Let It Be” brought Paul McCartney solace as he dealt with losing his band in a very public breakup. The same state of mind can help all of us, whether it’s dealing with parents living in the past, friends who change and you don’t feel like you know them anymore, or someone who cuts you off in traffic because they’re in a huge rush to go who knows where.

The moment someone gets on your nerves and you feel a jolt of anxiety run up your back, take a big breath and say, “Let them.”

let them theory, let it be, paul mccartney, the beatles, exhalethe beatles wave GIFGiphy

This article originally appeared last year.

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Wellness

Woman leaves bachelorette trip after trusting her gut about sketchy men partying with friends

Woman's intuition is right again.

via Nathan Rupert/Flickr

Some girls out at a bachelorette party.

In a since-deleted story posted on Reddit last year, one woman showed how sometimes trusting your gut can be the best thing you can do, even if following it will seriously impact your friendships. It all started when a 24-year-old woman with the username @Yslbabycat went to a bachelorette party with five other friends in Italy.

For brevity’s sake, we’ll call our main character "YBC." One night, the six girls went bar and club hopping and met some new friends. “We met some young people, and they invited us to a party. We went and danced and met more people. The night kept going on longer, and we were very far from our lodgings. These young men with 2 women in their group told us to stay with them for the night,” she wrote.

That’s when she had the first strong gut feeling.

suspicious, distrust, gut feeling, wary, suspicionsomeone vision GIFGiphy

“I wasn’t feeling this situation. It felt unsafe, but the group voted and I was in the minority,” she continued. ”I didn’t trust these men. Something seemed wrong. But I was at a loss as I could not split from my group and didn’t feel safe separating from them in the middle of the night.”

Even though the girls locked their doors that night, the men could enter their rooms. Despite this the girls, besides YBC, all wanted to stay another day because the men promised to show them around Italy.

“I didn’t want to get into a car with them because I found them creepy. There were women in their group but it didn’t matter. They seemed even more suspicious to me, being overly friendly,” she continued. “The whole morning, I found the men staring at me a lot and also making some comments about my ethnicity—I am Korean and they could tell and it seemed that they were interested in me because of my ethnicity, asking me strange questions …including if I’m a virgin or not.. so in my head I could only think of perverted reasons for these questions because I thought these guys were sketchy and sizing us all up for some reason I couldn’t figure out yet.”

YBC's friends tried to tell her that it was just cultural differences and that the men weren’t being creepy, but she decided that she wanted to leave. So, she called her boyfriend, who was a few hours’ drive away in France, to come get her. She met him at a local store where YBC called the bride-to-be and informed her she was leaving. The bride-to-be screamed at her on the phone, chastised her for spoiling the “mood of the trip,” and told YBC to, essentially, “F*** off.”

angry, phone call, fight, woman, friendsWoman fussing on phone.Canva Photos.

After YBC left, the other five girls went on a boat with the men who all tried to get them “extremely” intoxicated. They then began to aggressively pressure the girls into having sex. At the night's end, the girls got away from the men and found another hotel. Even though YBC’s suspicions were confirmed, the bride-to-be was still upset with her and YBC did not attend her friend’s wedding.

In the end, Reddit commenters overwhelmingly thought that YBC did the right thing by trusting her gut:

“So all the other girls but the bachelorette confirmed that you were right and the guys were super creepy and yet the bachelorette is still pissed at you for getting yourself out of there?” user @YouSayWotNow wrote. “All of them are very lucky nothing really bad happened, and frankly, they should be embarrassed they didn't take you seriously at the time.”

“You may have saved the entire group by leaving early, as the men realized that you knew where they lived and could ID them,” user @RobinC1967 added. “Please don't ever feel bad for getting yourself out of a sketchy situation. Stay Smart!”

Most would agree that YBC did the right thing by trusting her gut and trying to lead her friends out of a potentially dangerous situation. Science supports her actions, too. According to a 2015 Psychology Todayarticle entitled, “3 Reasons Why You Have to Trust Your Gut,” philosopher and writer Susanna Newsonen says that your intuition is encoded in your brain like “a web of fact and feeling” and is helpful because it’s “shaped by your past experiences and the existing knowledge that you gained from them.”

Following your intuition can be hard, especially when there's no concrete "evidence" for why you feel the way you do. In a 2024 article for VeryWellMind, writer and instructor LaKeisha Fleming helps identify the times when your gut is trying to tell you something and the top times you really need to listen. First, Fleming walks the reader through the signs of intuition—the physical and emotional cues that your body has something important to say:

  • Tension in the body or a thought that won't go away
  • Heaviness like a "pit" in your stomach
  • A strong feeling that you should or shouldn't do something (go somewhere, talk to someone, avoid some place, etc.)
  • The hairs on the back of your neck stand upright before something frightening happens

intuition, gut feeling, discernment, body, listenListen to your body. Canva Photos.

Of course, Fleming notes, anxiety, trauma, and regular old overthinking can skew our intuition, so how do you know when to trust it? She notes the top four times you shouldn't ignore your gut:

1. When it comes to your and others' safety:

Does something seem off? Err on the side of caution and just listen to yourself. It could save you from danger like in YBC's case.

2. When you body is sending signals about your health:

If your body is experiencing persistent symptoms like headaches and migraines, sudden weight change, nagging pains, unusual sensations, or digestive issues, they could be signs something is wrong internally or externally. Do you get a stomachache around a certain person? Does being in someone's company make you feel nervous? Do you feel mostly fine except for this nagging pain that won't go away? Pay attention to these cues.

3. When something feels "off" in a relationship:

Sure, it could be nothing, but it doesn't hurt to check in if your romantic partner or friend is acting strangely, making you feel uneasy, or arousing suspicion. Gauge the severity of your feelings and plan how to respectfully connect, confront, or question the other person to understand what's really going on.

4. When you doubt yourself:

A lot of times, self-doubt is the ever-pesky imposter syndrome rearing its head. Sometimes you may be picking up on legitimate shortcomings within yourself that you need more time to identify and improve (signed up for a marathon but haven't trained or practiced much at all? Yeah, maybe listen to your body and sit the race out this time), but most other times, self-doubt is insecurity, which can be overcome. If you know you're trained, educated, and skilled in a certain area, there's a good chance you know what you're doing and will do it well.

In short, your gut will seldom steer your wrong. If you've got a bad feeling like YBC did, trust yourself and act accordingly. It could save your life.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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Family

Lesbian couple answers the most frequent questions they get from strangers about having a baby

“Who’s the real mom?”

via @allieandsam/Instagram, used with permission

Moms Allie and Sam Conway answer the questions the commonly get a lesbian parents

Despite society having made a lot of progress when it comes to same-sex relationships and alternative families, it’s not so commonplace that many queer parents are still presented with questions about their lifestyle from straight people.

And while queer parents probably (rightfully) grow tired of answering certain questions day in and day out, having open conversation helps break through the lack of understanding which causes stigma and misconceptions in the first place. In a now-viral video shared to their Instagram, lesbian moms Allie and Sam Conway answer commonly asked questions they get as a queer married couple with twins.

What it like to be lesbian parents?

Of course, they started with the age-old question:

“Who’s the real mom?”

Though people by and large are able to differentiate biological connection from emotional connection (like with adoptive parents or step-parents to take on an active role in their step children’s lives), this is still a question that same-sex parents face regularly. And it’s a fairly harmful one at that, as it implicitly undermines the non-biological parent’s role in the family.

So, to Sam’s point: “We’re both the mom.”


Allie also told Upworthy that the usual response to this answer is "oh my gosh! That’s amazing!" Which makes her—and us—"smile so much."

Next up:

“Who’s the dad?”

To which they replied: “there isn’t a dad.”

This is also a question fused with negative connotation, as it suggests a father figure is necessary for raising well-adjusted kids. But research shows that kids born to same-sex parents fare just as well as the children of straight couples, indicating that what’s really necessary for a child’s development is two healthy, loving parents. That’s it.

Okay, this next one actually had an answer that surprised some folks:

“Who carried them?”

Though Sam wanted to be the one to get pregnant, Allie agreed to try after Sam’s “long fertility journey” of three IUI’s, three embryo transfers and multiple chemical pregnancies with one miscarriage.

However, the couple used Sam’s eggs, and Sam did the breastfeeding.

How the heck did that happen, you might wonder. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. So did lots of viewers. Sam underwent induced lactation, which tricks the body into thinking it’s pregnant and producing breast milk—it’s something often utilized by adoptive mothers.

What is induced lactation?

Induced lactation replicates the natural hormone process that happens when a woman gives birth. In this process, women are often given hormone supplements, such as estrogen or progesterone, to mimic the effects of pregnancy. This process may go on for months. About two months before the expected birth, the woman is then given a breast pump to stimulate lactation.


Lastly, a fun one:

“What do the kids call you?”

“Mummy and other mummy,” Sam quipped. “We’re rotating all day,” Allie added.

Without proper understanding, stigma persists. That’s how myths like “queer parents turn their children gay” or “children of two-mother families are more likely to be bullied” continue. And while it’s certainly not the responsibility of parents like Allie and Sam to educate folks on the realities of queer parenting, it’s great that they do offer genuine insight.

And thankfully, they are usually met with positive reactions from people, Allie tells Upworthy. Which only further encourages them to answer more question and offer glimpses into "different types of families."

At the end of the day, families are made up of people who love and support one another. Everything else is just window dressing.

Check out even more heartwarming family content from Allie and Sam on Instagram.


This article originally appeared last year.

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